Friday, May 18, 2018
I hope this entry helps you out in some way, I think it’ll help me to acknowledge how I’m feelings so here it goes…
My parents are getting a divorce; like really, really getting a divorce this time. I say this because they have told us several times growing up that they would get a divorce and I knew that they were incompatible, but probably only stayed together because of me, my brother, and my sister. It’s probably one of the hardest things I currently struggle with as a young adult. Knowing that my mother and father had a tumultuous relationship and witnessing some of it has affected me in more ways than one.
Their relationship showed me that it’s okay for a man to treat a woman with anything less than the utmost respect and I really believe this shows in the types of men I choose. I witnessed my dad being disrespectful and dishonest to my mother and in my own relationships with men, I find those two qualities are also present. I’m trying not to blame my mom, but I just wish my parents had a healthy relationship.
Their relationship is affecting me now because I’m living at home in my parent’s house. Last June, both my parents moved to Northern California. They just up and left, life teenagers. They left their house and several personal belongings behind. I was so angry with my parents for doing this. It was so irresponsible. Their house is over 40 years old and requires a lot of maintenance which they failed to speak to us (me, my brother, and sister) about. My mom recently moved back and I hate it. She always talks about herself and “How well she’s doing”, like she’s trying to convince me or something. She started dating and my dad makes her angry. I hate talking to her about anything related to 1) my dad and 2) her new life.
I moved back home to prepare for a move to Washington D.C. which I was anticipating, but didn’t end up getting.
To end with positives, I have a dog who I love and has really helped me to deal things and make me okay with being alone. I also have some great girlfriends that I tell everything to. They don’t judge because they all understand that everyone has their own issues they’re facing. I’m really excited about the way society is beginning to view women. I always felt like women were competing against each other (or I felt like I was competing against other women), but now it’s refreshing to know that women can help other women. We know our struggles.
Anyway, hope this is helpful ,Please don’t judge me.
I always hear that I’m a super smart girl, but when it comes to relationships I feel super dumb. I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for about 3 years, which is way too long to not have a stable relationship. It started out bad, with little lies which led to a complete lack of trust that became more apparent every day.
Now, we’re broken up and blocked. It wasn’t his choice to block each other it was mine. It seems like a really petty, immature thing to do, but it actually helps me so much to know that even if I wanted to, I cannot reach out to him. I’m not sure how to feel. I’m angry, sad, and I want him to fight for me, but he just gives up so easily. It’s hard to think that one person who was your best friend for so long can be so cruel and not show any sympathy during a time when I’m hurting so much. I hate break-ups. I hate everything about them. I’m trying to stay busy, but it’s so fresh it’s all I can think about.
I know why we broke-up and I know that it’s the best thing, but I still want us to try to work things out. I just invested so much already I feel like I’m losing so much because he and I didn’t work out. I hate losing. As much as I understand that we’re better off apart, I want him back. I’d fight with him for the rest of my life, and it makes me so sad that he won’t do the same. That he just gave up. I’m totally worth the fight.
I’m trying to stay busy and my new job has me doing that, but it’s still really difficult! Maybe I’ll go meet with a counselor to talk about this, because I weirdly like talking about it now.
Thanks for reading and being a resource for me to bounce my thoughts around. Hoping to have a new attitude in a few days!
XXXXX (but can we keep anonymous)